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I feel this way about my own father... We haven't spoken to one and another for almost three years because of his continued problems with alcohol then I found out through my mother that he moved to Mexico. He abandoned me when I was 15... he hurt me in ways no father should ever hurt his child... And I still miss him and love him and ache to have what we used to have. You're right.. the holidays do suck the worst... but I hope it gets better for you. Find solace and strength in your husband-to-be. Find joy in your continuing life and in the love that you've found. I'm sure your dad would have wanted it that way.