I spent 16 years of my life fighting. I felt like a victim, I blamed others for my failures, and I basically just lived for sexual pleasure and trying to fit in. It sucks to know that I really didn't get it. Something somewhere went terribly wrong for me and now I know it was my thinking and emotional issues. Too bad it happened, so glad I recognize my role in it now, and so sad it happened to me. I've come to suspect that mental illness is more about cognitive confusion and contradictions. I wish I had sought help for myself back then...I was too caught up in the lie. I was too busy defending myself and being right that I suffered for way too long. Now that I've overcome that cycle of negativity, I am sad for what came before, but thankfull that I came to my senses at not too late an age. I can still make something of my life and live a decent existence, I can still dress in nice clothes, smile, laugh, and create a better existence for myself. I'm sorry for having lived that lie, I know now that I'm not Jesus Christ, a great leader, destined to do something, or a government target. I have relased myself from myself. I understand humanity better now. I'm turning lemons into lemonade.