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#4023

my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said "is your dad home?" I replied "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute it was on speaker.

Good one!!! (10673)

You can do Better... (22816)

21

July

2009

by:

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#11729

It's been two months since I ended my affair with a fazer. It was the most exciting relationship of my life. We kept it secret from all of you, now I don't care if I am found out. We made love for hours, She would initiate the most erotic situations I ever experienced. She filmed us making love and posted on the internet, I did not mind. She invited her friends (note the plural) to join us in bed, she would let me eat dulce de leche off of her ass, she even blew me during a funeral.

My heart breaks at every moment, I check the user online box to see if she logs on, but alas, she never fazes anymore. I cannot bear speak to her on the phone. I wrote her thousands of letters but I cannot bring myself to send any single one.

Now, I am miserable, I am drinking myself to a slow agonizing death, I turned my back to everyone close to me.

Good one!!! (187)

You can do Better... (71)

29

March

2011

by:

MywobbyBoff

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#28

I got a rose from my BF. The card read "it's over".

Good one!!! (10933)

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12

February

2010

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#8611

I was fined 300$ for spreading my father's ashes in a national park.

Good one!!! (8958)

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03

May

2010

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#4197

I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog took one look at me struggling said "What is wrong with kids these days drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip.

Good one!!! (36606)

You can do Better... (1147)

13

July

2009

by:

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#5393

I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again.

Good one!!! (58547)

You can do Better... (2048)

12

May

2009

by:

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#5384

I was cleaning my apartment because I'm moving. I was being really thorough so I could get as much of the damage deposit back as possible. I noticed I still had one of those 3M plastic hooks on the wall and when I went to carefully take it off a large chunk of the wall came with it.

Good one!!! (31130)

You can do Better... (5208)

13

May

2009

by:

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#7349

I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play.

Good one!!! (17388)

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08

February

2009

by:

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#3916

I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets.

Good one!!! (27855)

You can do Better... (6157)

27

July

2009

by:

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#6809

I was meeting my sister's fiance. I went to an internet cafe before I went to her house for dinner with them. I was on a computer and there was this really attractive man next to me. I was flirting with him and we exchanged numbers. Turns out he is my sister's fiance.

Good one!!! (49010)

You can do Better... (4346)

05

March

2009

by:

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#824

I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color.

Good one!!! (14198)

You can do Better... (2915)

02

January

2010

by:

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#4321

my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories all the men I've hooked up with various cuss words sexual innuendos and how much I hate my coworkers.

Good one!!! (3959)

You can do Better... (48601)

06

July

2009

by:

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#2010

I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out whatever the drunk-me said caused me to lose my job my girlfriend and my coffee machine.

Good one!!! (6999)

You can do Better... (27265)

01

November

2009

by:

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#10711

at 2 am on a Saturday I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix.

Good one!!! (182)

You can do Better... (265)

01

August

2010

by:

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#6336

I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself.

Good one!!! (45311)

You can do Better... (1937)

29

March

2009

by:

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#965

I have an Urinary Tract Infection causing me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. I'm also about to leave on a 15 hour car trip with my entire family.

Good one!!! (19517)

You can do Better... (1121)

26

December

2009

by:

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#4800

at my wedding when my husband heard "you may now kiss the bride" he swung me down romantically and was about to plant one on me when his arm slipped causing me to fall on the floor hitting my head and getting a concussion.

Good one!!! (52870)

You can do Better... (2144)

11

June

2009

by:

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#5534

I was running late for work. To save time I grabbed my belt on my way out the door and was putting it on in the elevator which stopped at the next floor before I had put my belt all the way on. A hot girl stepped into the elevator looked at my undone belt screamed "Ew" and got off.

Good one!!! (27991)

You can do Better... (6515)

05

May

2009

by:

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#4140

I learned that when you flush the toilet the contents do not disappear into oblivion. They show up in your basement when your sewer backs up. And they come in greater numbers.

Good one!!! (37166)

You can do Better... (2153)

16

July

2009

by:

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#2018

while up in my room getting ready to go out I thought I heard some trick or treaters knocking on the door. I ignored them because I didn't have any candy. The knocking got louder and longer. I walked downstairs and noticed that the living room ceiling was falling down onto the floor.

Good one!!! (16112)

You can do Better... (2532)

01

November

2009

by:

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